As the days go by, the more i realize you dont care anymore.. Now its my turn.





"Good To Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die"
-Brand new-

Am I correct to defend the fist that holds this pen?
It's ink that lies,
the pen, the page, the paper.
I live, I learn.
You will always take what I have earned.
And so aid my end while I believe I'm winning.

Our friends speak out in our defense.
Pay ten deaf ears for two months rent.
We burn their gallows they erect,
and cut the nooses they tie for our necks.

[Chorus:]
You constantly make it impossible to make conversation.
Keep us comatose but audible.
And I like it the farther I get out.
We pass it off but it's all on us.
Only common conversation,
it took everything I got.
And I like it the farther I get out.

Once said, always said.
I will hold the past over your head.
I'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
I am hellbent on extracting all of my revenge.
Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.

We slip concealed back to the keep.
Concede to do the work for free.
We prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep.

Today me and ryan have been off and on for 11 months. almost a year. . wow. . shits crazy.
im really tired. i got high w/ ppl and watched family guy lol. pretty fun. better than i was expecting. .
and all the shit w/ mark has been really stressful, but i just talked to him on the phone. . and we're gona talk face up sometime. which im glad. . even if we dont hang out anymore. just to clear shit up cuz i hate tension and i cant change the past. so fuck it. buttt yea. im gona sleep good tonight so goodnight my sex drives. <3

Hello. yesterday was fucking boring. I had nothing to do till 5 o'clock!!!!! gah it was driving me nuts, but the rest of the night was good. Got drunk with some people. then today i went into peoria and got new plugs and then smoked out. yumm. im really tired tho. blah. im done with some people right now. im sick of letting people piss me off and expect things to be cool. its gayyy. everything they say has been bs.
eh, and no im not depressed or anything. its just how i feel. other than that things have been going swell.


hate me.
cuz you already suck at life.

today was okay i guess. . got outa school early cuz of the homecoming parade, came home. . cleaned . took a shower, then mark marshall and dennis came and got me. and we went back to marks. chilled n stuff. then came home. im really tired, and not in a good mood. shit sucks. but shit happends so life goes on.

Today was pimp. I dressed like a cowgirl for school spirit week haha it was hot.
yea then keely quit her job at mcdonalds.
and i hung out with kia till now and i drove her home.
funnnn.
bye lovers.

Hello kids. This weekend kicked ass. Lets see Friday night I was really bored, and had nothing to do so I made Mark come and get me. . hehe so we went to his house and I did shrooms for the first time! It was sooo amazing. Shrooms are number one on my list. haha it was soooooo AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeaaa, then we chilled and shit. then saturday i went with my mom tile shopping and shit. . then around 330 mark called me and him pat and marshall were already in metamrora lol but i had to clean and shit so i made them wait around for like 40 minutes then we left to go to the park for a while, then to marks house. . got high, listened to pat and marshall sing, while mark played the guitar. it was beautiful. then we went to the mall then to the hockey game. then mark drove me back to metamora we smoked out on the way, then went through mcdonalds, then went by keelys to drop her off ciggs since shes practically on house arrest. and thats about it. then today i went to see the 40 year old virgin with ryan. it was a good movie but we ended up leaving a little bit b4 the ending cuz we were hungry , and it kept dragging on and on. . so we said fuck it. lol umm yea thats about it. tomorrows school. oh yay. . shouldnt be too bad. i hope

<3 hate me
ur just jealous. cuz we're hott and you aint got what we got bitches!

Todays gona be the worst day of my life.
Off to school. . . . :/

im done.
fuck it.
im done dating.
anyone. at all.
ima be a slut.
period.

i tried, but ya know, know one can talk to me, they have to talk to maggie or david about their problems.
well not their problems. about mine, cuz i treat them like shit? wow. and if you wanted them to be fixed, you should have talked to me but you didnt. what do you think went wrong last time in our relationship? we kept things from eachother...so hmm lets be smart and repeat that. w/e

i thought things were going good, but they werent. cuz his feelings were still the same.
i wish i would have known before i fucking slept with you again.
oh my god im done.




I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

Helllloooo. Wow whata weekend. Basically got drunk all weekend. which i usually dont do haha, but it was crazzzay. Poor Keely <3. annnnyways, yea its been fun. . . Schools kick ass as usual. I miss mark and seth, but seems like no one has time to hang out anymore. buuut oooh well. ummm homecomings next week i think. So that should be fun. Keelys grounded the next couple of months so that bites really hard.
But we'll get through it yo. I neeeed to go shopping but i dont. . . i just need to do my laundry lol.
I WANT THE NEW BLOODHOUND GANG CD SO BAD. SOMEONE TELL ME IF ITS ALREADY IN STORES OR WHEN IT COMES OUT.
IM DIEING. foxtrot. uniform. charlie. kilo. put the you know what. in the you know where. pronto. MMMMMMM mmm mm . . . meh.


im bored. so byyye. <3
i love all of you,
cept for the ugly.
<3 xoxxx.
my friends are hotter than you and your friends will ever be. :)
SUCK A NUT

wow. . . havent updated in a while. heres a jist of whats happened.
me and keely cant hang out anymore. dont wana talk about the reason why cuz we still will somehow someway. Havent seem mark since thursday, and seth since last monday. so that sucks. . but i just hope we all still talk. Seth called today and we talked about his problems, and i hope he'll be okay. Im here for you. andddd. tonight me keely ryan and wes are gona hang out. . so that should be interesting. . . . but who knows. lifes not too bad, but not too good. and i got my permit. woot. so yea. ima go outside and smoke now. goodbye.

Let's see. This weekend was fun. last night mark got home early so him marshall devon and pat came to metamora and we hung out, then today seth and tony hung out with us. which was fun. . . school tomorrow.
im not in the mood to type. so yea.

Today was good. I hung out with Keely all day and it was great. Im not going into full detail. . . but i duno today felt good. :) and i just got done writing a poem. but first ima show something keely sent me that was in some girls info, but it was touching because me and keely talked about all this stuff tonight, so it was cool seeing it in different words.


"As you grow up, you learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down probably will. You'll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend and you might even fall in love with him/her. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing so fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too hard, and love like you've never been hurt because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness that you'll never get back."


And heres a poem i wrote. . . may not make alota sense to you. but it works for me.


God, if you're there show me a sign. If there is a heaven or hell. Will they be disapointed in me? Watching whats happening in the world below, will their expectations of me go? I wish I knew how we got here and if you were true. But Im afraid to believe, i live my life as the days come; I feel complete, for I dred regrets. Living life to the fullest, but there's always that what if. Should I worry what they'll think? For its hard hiding who you really are. That fact haunting my days and nights, makes me come to realize you are who you are. Then you realize when you lose someone what you used to be. And you are left hoping they still love you as much as you love them. That's why im writing this to you God, to show that I do care, im interested in our world; It amazes me, its a scary place.
Its amazing how you learn more and more every single day. And how technology grows, and we learn new things from technology and our mistakes. I've realized its better to give than take. Where ever we may go in the end, I want to go out knowing i made a difference in someones life. I want them to smile when i go. Sure shed a tear, I'll cry when she goes. Overall I was writing this to you to let her know she made a difference for me, and I love her. This being said, from ashes to ashes, and dust to dust. In the end if we meet again love me the same. Im sorry things change.

Hello. . This week went by pretty fast. which was good. I miss hangin out with mark and seth. seems like everyones too busy to hang out now. . . maybe im just over reacting cuz im in a bummy mood. cuz i mean mark is in wisconsin lol. i duno tonight i went to the football game. we won. woot. hung out with ppl, which was good. and we stuck up for this poor little girl with no arm! this boy made fun of her, so we chased him down and made him apologize! :) I felt like a good person, hehe. Ummmmmmmmmmm. i duno im bored. and i feel bummy but i dunno why. i have a few thoughts, but im just being dumb. im kinda sick of being single, cuz nothings working out right at all. then again maybe thats good, so i dont have to deal with anything at all . . yea ima go to bed so tmrw will come. .


XoX
-Hate me-

Let's see. . . i dont think anything important has happened. . School today was fine. Mark leaves Thursday to go to Wisconsin til' monday so that sucks. . . cuz we prolly wont see him or seth. umm, laguna beach kicked ass tonight. Stephen came back in town and him and Kristin went on a V-day date! hehe. and next week LC finds out. annnyways, i want tomorrow to come, cuz me and keels are 8 ballin it up after school. <3 and im skipping guitar. woot. yeaaaaaaa. peace bitches.

X o x
-Hate me-

haha ooookay, so school was kick ass as usual. Then after school mark and seth came into town. and since keelys moms outa town we smoked there. . then eventually went to marks and smoked there again. then we ended up playing truth or dare. and had like a no shirt or pants party. lol which ill regret all that tomorrow. but i had fun hahaha. but wow. sorry keely lol <333 whata night. it was fucking awesome. tomorrows gona be kick ass too. so ha. fuck you. you suck cuz you arent my friend! :)

Hehe, helllooooo. Today was fuckin pimp. school flew by. then i went to keelys after school. chilled there with ryan till he had to go to work, then mark seth and pat came over and we hung out with them for a while. it made my day. ive missed them boys like whoa! :) ummmm yea not much to say. so bye niccas. <3

Hello. School was pretty good. I have really easy classes, so im excited. I'm really glad my first hour class has keely in it, cuz then that just starts the day out good. ummmm yea tomorrows the first whole day. so thats gona suck . . but who knows. it shouldnt be too bad. but everythings pretty good right now, cept i miss mark and seth like whoa. too bad summer wasnt longer. . . gaaah. and i miss having a boyfriend. . like the little things... but i guess thats life.


...I called because i wanted *you* to know
that despite everything thats happened and
all the miles between us right now i still think
about how it was in the beginning..</3

So Schools tomorrow! Im pumped. haha. yeaaaaa. Today i hung out with juli and keely. funnn stuff.
i duno not much to say. im just nervy about school..but i totally love my classes, cuz there's only two classes that i really need to focus on. it sucks me and keely are gona have to walk to school and home haha buuut ooh well. keely needs a fucking car damnit.
gah
WAITING FOR LAGUNA BEACH TO COME ON. IM SO EXCITED! STUPID JASON IS GONA TAKE ALEX INSTEAD OF JESSICA TO THE DANCE! LIKE WTF?????????????????? skanks.
I love kristin!!! and LC is UGLYYYY.

hehe byyyyye <3

Hell yea today was cool as hell. Woke up a little before 10, called keely and shit. Then Mark came and picked me and Keely up. We went back to his house, and hung out there for a little bit with seth marshall and joshua. Got hiiigh anddd stuffff. Then we took that kid home, in chilli, then went to seths grandpas cookout over by hannah city. haha it was fun...played croquet and shit. then we came back to metamora around 9 and smoked at keelys house then they took us home. But today was a really good way to end our last weekend since schools tuesday. Gah. OH AND WE DYED KEELYS HAIR. ITS FUCKIN PIMP AS HELL YO. We put red in it. So now her hair is red and black. Tee hee, whata stud <3 yea. Im bored. Hope tomorrows good. Usually is (knock on wood) I LOVE YEWWWW xOx <33

THE BOYS ARE COMING THE BOYS ARE COMING!!! :)
Waiting for Mark and Seth to get here to pick me up, then to Keelys Dads we will go to get herrrrr, then to dg to dye some hair today! I'm excited! I feel like I havent seen these guys in forever. (cept for yesterday i saw mark for a little bit, but that doesnt count!!)
Im pumped, gotta make today good, cuz schools a comin' bitches. <33333 XoX




HOLLLAAAA.